Thoughts from the right margin

Anticipation couldn't stomach the emotions I went through last night. I had a definite bottomless pit of nervousness before the host called my name. Being at home in front of folks I've never seen before put me in a place that was all too familiar. "Open Mic Night" is the only night that still makes me feel the moment before my first "time." The crazy thing is that this first "time" is the same feeling every time before the next time. Many ask why the nervousness, but It's similar to the experience Richard Pryor expressed before every performance:

"I would get so nervous. I mean, I'd get so nervous the day of the show to the point I'd forget what it was I did for a living. I just wanted people to think my material was funny. I mean I didn't know if it was good enough before I went on stage. I just hoped they wouldn't boo me off stage."

No boos last night. An ovation, a few congrats, many handshakes, and the first step in a career. Many more to come.

"Sometimes I really wonder whether or not I'm supposed to be the man I am. I often think about the decisions that I made and wonder if making a better decision would still make me who I am. I haven't always had people's best intentions at heart. I have been selfish. I turned my back on those who befriended me for another set of friends. I asked for forgiveness only to relinquish my own demons. I often talked behind people's backs. I have done much bad, however, I still stand as a person who recognizes those evils and persists on the road to Godliness."

How familiar does this sound? How often do we find this statement to be laughable when spoken by a public figure? Would it matter if they were a person like me or you? What if you significant other spoke these words? Does forgiveness have a double-standard? What do you think?

Fading Beauty

She never once said

I wasn't sufficient enough

to be her everything,

I asked her to live outside of her comfort.

We fit together like

Vermont and New Hampshire

with island fantasies,

but I needed to see the shores.

She gave me a reason

to trust in another's opinion

and she made me feel secure,

but,

my pen doesn't bleed anymore.